Critical Biology 101: The Tolerant Leukocyte
Trigger warning: subject matter may be offensive to trans mitochondria single cell organisms.
Today we're going to talk about privileged blood cells aka leukocytes, whose job is to protect the body against infectious disease and foreign invaders. Let's imagine two leukocytes. Both of them are neutrophils but one of them self-identifies as a basophil, a historically oppressed minority in the leukocyte order.
So the two leukocytes were on patrol, cruising the bloodstream, when the first one spotted a fungal spore cell. Without a second thought it blobbed over and engulfed it whole.
'Well, all full. That's it for me,' it said to the other. 'Go phagocyte.'
The other neutr... um, basophil was so triggered it shook down to its microtubules but somehow managed to hold itself together.
'I hope you burst!' it cried.
And it let the stream carry it far, far away. All the way down to the duodenum, where the oppressed cells hang out. There it spotted a shady looking character. By the dangle of its flagella, it was clearly a pathogenic serotype of Escherichia coli bacteria with a kink for dysentery.
But this basophil didn't go around assuming other cell's preferred proteins. So it blobbed over to the E. coli and asked what it identified as.
And the E. coli, which are quite rudimentary but rather more astute than basophils, thought about it for a moment.
'I actually identify as a leukocyte,' it responded.
'Really? I'm a leukocyte too! What kind are you?'
'Uh, the tolerant kind. You know, the kind that doesn't go around digesting other cells just because they look different.'
'Oh, I totally get it,' said the basophil. 'I am also oppressed by the plasma-normative cytocracy!'
'Then we share the same struggle. You, me and my kin.'
'What kin?'
Then the self-identifying leukocyte did something other leukocytes cannot. It began to quiver and swell and split into two copies of itself.
'Whoa!' exclaimed the basophil.
And the two copies began to quiver and swell, and split into four. The basophil found this slightly disturbing but struggled to phrase its concern in an inclusive fashion. In the meantime, the self-identifying leukocytes were multiplying so fast that soon they were crowding all around him, their dangling flagella thick and menacing.
The original self-identifying leukocyte came forward.
'You know, I changed my mind about identifying as a leukocyte. I just don't feel it. I can't change that. I mean, unless I feel like changing it, right?'
'Right. Absolutely. You do you,' stammered the basophil.
'Yeah, so... we got word there's some oppressed helicobacter down in the small intestine.'
'Really? Well maybe I should, uh, go see if I can help.'
'Good. We're kinda busy here.'
'Sure. Great. Well, I'll just be on my way then.'
As it blobbed away in haste, thousands of E. coli began to call out. At first it thought they were bidding farewell. Then it understood what they were actually saying.
'You can phagocyte our flagella!'
The basophil began to quiver. Its cell membrane was rupturing, its cytoplasm draining away. The self-destruct sequence had been triggered.
In Mother Nature's intolerant matriarchy there are no lies, just lysis.
This will be in the final exam.
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Damien awoke drenched in sweat and staggered to the bathroom, clutching his stomach. He barely had time to pull down his undies before the spray blew out like an upside down whale spout, followed by a long moan from his wretched gut that emerged from all orifices in unison.
Slumped like a burst water balloon, he recalled the 'transmeat' burger he had for dinner. It tasted kinda janky, but he didn't want to offend anyone at the table so he chowed it down with a vegan burger eating grin. It was the right thing to do. At the slightest hint of weakness, vegans will eat your keratin with fava beans and a nice chianti.
Then the second wave hit. The toilet was like a black hole oppressing him inside out until his husk was drained of the last drop of internalized intolerance.
'God I miss bacon,' he wheezed.
He was free at last.